Gilda Knits: Forever Young (a really long, yet rewarding post) (*wink* free pattern)

I’ve been a stay at home mom for six years. I never had this big dream to be a stay at home mom, like some people do, but circumstances led me to that decision. And not surprisingly, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

For the first three years, I worked as a Nanny for a family. The baby was just 6 weeks old when I started caring for him. And over three years, that family became my family, too. Sadly, they moved away. So, for the next three years, I worked at my daughter’s preschool. And in a lot of ways, the people there became my family, too.

My son had been in school already during these last six years. But it was just this last year that my littlest one started kindergarten. My original plan was to put her in half day and I would continue working at the preschool while she was in kindergarten. But then the school was offering full day for FREE. Free! Now, I don’t know where you live and if full day is free anyway, but here you have to pay for it. And it aint cheap. This was a one year pilot program, and possibly the only year they’d offer it for free. Why wouldn’t I jump on that?

I was worried about how she’d do without me all day. Little did I know that it’d be ME that had the hardest time with it. I went from being with my child(ren) all day, every day to .... catching them at just the end of the day. And what did I do all day? Only so much scrubbing toilets and painting trim a person can do, right? I was worried about my daughter, I was never worried about me. But she was fine, loving it in fact. She’s an extrovert. She’s a social butterfly. And she loves to be active all day. Of course, she’d be fine. Why was I worried? Maybe, just maybe it was me I was worried about all long, only subconsciously. Because, suddenly, I felt as though I had no purpose.

So, I began a serious job search. In total, I have applied for hundreds of jobs. HUNDREDS! I only heard back from less than 30%, most were rejections. I’ve had 10 interviews. 90% of those, I was 2nd choice. Do you know what it feels like to be 2nd choice? Why bother telling me that?

The first job I accepted I was a temp for a large banking firm. And the job was fine. Boring, but fine. I took the job for the hours, thinking I just wanted to be able to bring in an income without getting daycare. But it meant that I missed dinner with my family every night. And what’s worse than not seeing your children all day? Not seeing them at night either. So, I quit.

The second position I took was at a natural grocery store. It was a hip kind of place and honestly, I wanted in on the subculture. But I’m too old now to be part of it. A coworker told me I was an old hippie lady. Um, did she not read my post about how I grew up listening to Smashing Pumpkins? Um, hello! Anyway, I may be older now, but I assure you that even if I was younger that job majorly sucks. I could go on and on and tell you about how that company is a big fraud. How they say they’re not really into the whole “authority” thing, but really it’s what they thrive on. Or how they say its mission is to stop hunger, but you could do it with all of the food they throw out every night. Being there, made me feel icky. So, I did what any self respecting old hippie lady would do, I told them to take the job and shove it (granted it was high pitched, because I had a frog in my throat trying to stop my tears from pouring, but still. It goes down as a top moment for me).

Luckily, my husband has supported me through all of this. Over the years, he’s grown accustomed to having me in charge of the “home.” But since September, in addition to my job search, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching as well. Like I said before, when the kids went off to school, I felt no purpose.

My own mother told me it’s important to not give too much of yourself away. And she’s right. I was completely and utterly 100% invested in my kids and husband. And boy, do I not regret that at all!!!! But now I am at a fork in the road. Lose myself? Or give ourselves all room to grow? Together, but separate.

So, I’m doing 2 things that I know I will be proud of:

1. I’ve accepted a new job, working full time during school hours. In the summer, the kids will just have to go to camp. There aint nothing wrong with camp. But during the school year, we'll spend all the time they have outside of school together. That is, until they become teenagers - or even before then. I want to brace myself for that. So....

2. I’m going back to school to follow up on my ASL studies and become an interpreter. This is something I have always wanted to do. I have a BA degree in Deaf Studies and originally I was going to get my teaching degree, but now I can be with kids and sign and all of that, but who knows, maybe one day I will interpret for the President.

I mean, it's cool that I still dream, right?

My junk is just coming together, man. And it makes me think of this song:

"Forever Young"

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

(Oh God, maybe I really am an old hippie lady?)

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Thanks for being such good listeners.

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I have some photos to share from the weekend....

L read a poem in her class.